What Am I Grateful For? Everything. Yes, Pretty Much Everything

Self-loathing. More than twenty years ago, I wrote an essay about self-loathing. Working with a therapist, I was developing self-awareness of feelings, thoughts, residue of childhood messaging, and the random connections like the bing-bing-bing of a pinball rolling and bouncing in its little world. I told her the story of having a full body cast from when I was a year old until I was almost two. The body cast came off on one day and the very next day Mama’s getting the Army’s “We regret to inform you…” telegram about my father. Mama retreated physically for several hours and retreated emotionally from then on. I grew up terrified (that might be too strong but not by much) of feeling good about something happening because I knew that immediately afterwards something terrible would happen to obliterate the good. “Can I as a two-year-old have learned that from that one experience?” I asked. “Yes,” was her simple answer. We continued to work. I continued to write occasionally revisiting “Self-Loathing” and adding as I became better acquainted with who I might be.

Once I added this: Success is a peace of mind that comes from a self-satisfaction that you have done your best to be the best that you can be. (Todd Parker, Dean of Students, John Carroll Catholic High School)

Another time I was driving to work and said to myself out loud: You’re going to feel good today and however good you feel that’s how good you’re going to feel.

A decade later I was talking with a 20-something friend of my son. She was churning over her perceived inadequacies and feelings of unworthiness. I told her some of my story. “Do you ever get passed this?” she asked. And I wrote this to her:

"You are moving forward and somehow some days you defy gravity and move one foot one step and another day the other foot another step. And slowly the steps become a little easier. You move forward and slide back. Forward and slide back. Eventually you move forward enough that when you do slide back you realize that you're not as low as when you first started. And one miraculous, amazing day you realize that you will never slide that low ever again. Ever. And you start moving forward again, defying gravity. Suddenly one day you look around and you are on top of the mountain, nothing between you and the sky. You probably won't live there all day, every day. I haven't yet. Maybe eventually we do. But because of the journey to get there and the moments of defying gravity, you don't ever take for granted the feeling of being on top of the mountain. I know that you can do this. I did."

And I added that to my essay. And, yes, I am grateful for pretty much everything in my life.

— Marmar