Those years are the resting place of my lowest, most difficult time. I’ve had more challenging times, scarier times, angrier times. Those two years, though, were desperately sad and doubly so for two reasons – (1) I had contributed to the precipitating cause, and (2) there was absolutely nothing that I could do to back up, change direction, or speed ahead to the resolution. I did not at the time take antidepressants. I had had a few therapy sessions many years before, but the counseling never clicked or synced. My husband had ordered our first son George to leave home and he did. Our son went to live with his girlfriend’s family. He and she were nineteen and expecting a baby. It was not the being pregnant that caused the blow up. It was that George would not do what we told him to do. While that seems now to me to be an outrageous expectation, at the time it was perfectly reasonable to me and to my husband. It’s what we had been raised to do. To the extent we did not meet our parents’ expectations, we sneaked or lied. Well, that’s what I did. Honestly, I’m not sure what my husband did.
For two years, I wandered like a zombie. I continued to care for our two children who were still at home. I went through the motions at least. My daughter – our third child – tells some pretty stunning stories. “I am the only girl I knew who drove herself to her first gyn appointment.” Yeah, I was kind of lamely going through the motions. At some point in the summer of 1998, I thought, “I can stay in this marriage five more years. I can do this until Anne finishes high school.”
In October of 2020, an old college friend showed up in my life. Through that friendship, I began to claw my way back to the beginnings of a sense of self-worth. In September 2021, I had a conversation with a niece on my husband’s side. She recommended that I start getting massages. I did and through my massage therapist, I found a therapist whom I trusted and had confidence in. I saw her weekly for at least a year. I remember after several sessions with her I was putting up groceries and realized I was turning the labels toward the front. “I’m getting well,” I remember thinking. “I’m getting well!”
In January 2004, I got a part time job. Anne graduated from high school that May. In June I got a full-time job. In October, I told Anne that I was leaving her dad. “What took you so long?” was her response. A short time later, I left home. I lived in a tiny apartment in the barn where Anne boarded her horse. I never looked back.
— Marmar
For two years, I wandered like a zombie. I continued to care for our two children who were still at home. I went through the motions at least. My daughter – our third child – tells some pretty stunning stories. “I am the only girl I knew who drove herself to her first gyn appointment.” Yeah, I was kind of lamely going through the motions. At some point in the summer of 1998, I thought, “I can stay in this marriage five more years. I can do this until Anne finishes high school.”
In October of 2020, an old college friend showed up in my life. Through that friendship, I began to claw my way back to the beginnings of a sense of self-worth. In September 2021, I had a conversation with a niece on my husband’s side. She recommended that I start getting massages. I did and through my massage therapist, I found a therapist whom I trusted and had confidence in. I saw her weekly for at least a year. I remember after several sessions with her I was putting up groceries and realized I was turning the labels toward the front. “I’m getting well,” I remember thinking. “I’m getting well!”
In January 2004, I got a part time job. Anne graduated from high school that May. In June I got a full-time job. In October, I told Anne that I was leaving her dad. “What took you so long?” was her response. A short time later, I left home. I lived in a tiny apartment in the barn where Anne boarded her horse. I never looked back.
— Marmar
A slow but effective rescue from drowning~! I wonder, are you still living in that barn? I'll bet not...(Macoff)
ReplyDeletehahaha No, no longer living in that barn. That was a temporary stop-over on my way to independence. I will say, though, it's one of my best experiences. I slept on a futon on the floor. I waked up to the clop-clop of the horses being led in for breakfast. I walked my dog in the misty dawn of each new day and in the early dark of Standard Time sunset. Funny, huh, how life's real events come alive again in these memories. Thanks for what turned out to be a nudge to delve a little deeper. Marmar, Fellow Dipper
Delete