We swore “til death do us part.” I didn’t really believe that could be a thing. I had not grown up in a family with grownups committed like that. I took it lightly, especially since another prayer was that I, as the wife, would be “…a fruitful vine in the recesses of the home,” as though that would happen in anyone’s wildest imagination.
Years later, when I let myself look back over our dating years and early marriage, I saw the red flags. Red flags, hell. They were clanging, swinging lights, and lowered barriers at railroad crossings. Here are two from our wedding day. My uncle was walking me down the aisle. I saw my soon-to-be husband and thought, “Oh my god. What have I got myself into this time?” Still, I went through the vows. That night, I threw up most of the night and, at one point said, “I’m sorry. I believe I’ve made a terrible mistake.” And he said he thought I would feel better soon. I spent our honeymoon having the sensation that I was out of my body watching us acting like we were two people who cared about each other. I kept wondering when he would go home.
I called my mother near the end of the first year. I was sobbing. I told her some of what was happening. She stated firmly that I was not being a good wife. End of discussion. I stayed. We had children – three – and I had a great time raising them. At about 25 years in, I said how glad I was that he was not a husband who got home at six and expected to have a hot meal ready and that he was glad to put together his supper when he got home. He said how glad he was that I was not a wife who expected him to be home by six to have supper. Conclusion: Just because it’s a match doesn’t make it healthy.
I left in our 31st year and never looked back. So, he and I had taken oaths … but had we really?
— Marmar
Years later, when I let myself look back over our dating years and early marriage, I saw the red flags. Red flags, hell. They were clanging, swinging lights, and lowered barriers at railroad crossings. Here are two from our wedding day. My uncle was walking me down the aisle. I saw my soon-to-be husband and thought, “Oh my god. What have I got myself into this time?” Still, I went through the vows. That night, I threw up most of the night and, at one point said, “I’m sorry. I believe I’ve made a terrible mistake.” And he said he thought I would feel better soon. I spent our honeymoon having the sensation that I was out of my body watching us acting like we were two people who cared about each other. I kept wondering when he would go home.
I called my mother near the end of the first year. I was sobbing. I told her some of what was happening. She stated firmly that I was not being a good wife. End of discussion. I stayed. We had children – three – and I had a great time raising them. At about 25 years in, I said how glad I was that he was not a husband who got home at six and expected to have a hot meal ready and that he was glad to put together his supper when he got home. He said how glad he was that I was not a wife who expected him to be home by six to have supper. Conclusion: Just because it’s a match doesn’t make it healthy.
I left in our 31st year and never looked back. So, he and I had taken oaths … but had we really?
— Marmar
Yes. "but had we really" is the right question. Can you really take an oath before your know yourself?
ReplyDeleteThat might be the most comforting thing I've ever heard about a marriage that was never good from the beginning.
DeleteThere's something about having "promised" and told others that sets social processes and pressures in motion and they're hard to resist. I'm a bit disappointed in your mother's response. Thirty-one years with the wrong man. It made you stronger, one might say. (Macoff)
ReplyDelete